What do you do when you have about 5 million dollars in cash, 15 tons of tin
foil and a debilitating brain aneurysm? Well, you just go ahead to make a mash
of them all and come up with a film with a highly profound title called 'A Knight's
Tale'. Whassat? The script, you say? Heck, what was Gladiator
for? We just take a pinch of that, a tablespoon of Robin Hood, a smattering of
Robbie William's and Freddie Mercury's vocal chords, do some hocus pocus, and
Set in the 14th century, this flick tells the tale of young William who gets packed off by his poor dad to apprentice as a stable boy. The kid soon grows up and discovers a passion for jousting. Young William, now legally blonde, generally likes to lance-a-lot. When his master dies, he dons the armor and suit. Unable to 'joust do it', he fakes his way through claiming to be of a noble birth. The one to help him forge the documents is none other than the bare-assed Geoffrey Chaucer... whom we know as hitting instant stardom once pencil and paper were invented.
Traveling across the lands to compete in various jousting contests, he proves himself to be the Sir Tiger Woods of jousting. Later on during his pro-tours, he meets and goes gaga over Shannon Sossamon, whose weird nature is weirder than her name. She plays Jocelyn, his fickle lover who tells him to lose important games ("if you love me... you'll lose this game") in a manner that can only be described as irritatingly Bollywoodish. Anyways, another lad is also pursuing this maiden on a horse in the form of the aristocrat Adhemer who comes with his own brands of arrogance and sensuality.
It's the usual tripe from then on... boy loses girl, boy gets butt-kicked because of low birth, boy kicks back butt, boy gets girl and all is well. Except for that queasy feeling at the pit of your stomach at the end of it all. You seem to be paying more attention to the really modern mannerisms in the movie. I would like to meet just one person who said 'wow' in like the Middle Ages. Not just this, more ear-jarring stuff like Queen's 'We Will Rock You' and other 70s rock interspersed with the whole drama. And all you have in your hands is some really ghastly muddled up Middle Age mayhem. Oh boy!
More weird stuff... the whole banquet thing where they have ancient music suddenly has a Middle Ages version of stuff by Ziggy Stardust. Yeah, just what we needed - 'Medieval Night Fever'. And to top it all off we have uncanny fashions, like when ladylove Jocelyn looks straight out of 'Breakfast At Tiffany's', with a wide hat and all. Just what was the director thinking? At least Baz Luhrman's eclectic mix of funky fashion and fast music churned out a hep look for his 'Romeo and Juliet'. But this movie ends up looking like its rich country cousin.
But the film isn't all that depressing. We have the newcomer Aussie Heath Ledger,
whose stubble and square chin show a lot of promise. His custom made 'bird nest
look' for the hair will surely go a long way in propelling him to superstardom.
Anywise, that's about the entire movie. If you enjoyed Gladiator, you might like
this film, too. But don't be too zapped when you hear Freddie Mercury shriek out
in between. We warned you, this movie might at the max nudge you a bit ...but rock
you? Naaaah! No way Jose.