First, the film is not actually Return In The Deep. The actual name is Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, which is a straight-to-DVD film also shown as a TV movie in Australia. Second, this is not a film. It is a plagiarized, schlocky attempt at schlock, with gratuitous blood, nudity, cursing, and headaches â€" the last one being yours.
A 2002 film (okay, not really a film) released just to bide the time till Tashan hits the theatres, with a cast of mostly Slavic extras, a small-time TV actor as the lead, and a barely-there actress famous for baring all in extremely low budget movies may sound like good times for someone prepared to see a so-bad-itâ€™s-good film.
Thereâ€™s also the concept: a shark the size of a multiplex, eating people and boats. Thatâ€™s good times, too. But you cannot begin to imagine how awful this is. Stock footage from Discovery channel is blatantly stolen, the fishes removed with Adobe After Effects and little boats with people on them added.
Then there is the writing. Of course, you expect a Z-grader like this to have completely atrocious dialog, but never do you expect, after a long tense scene, a man ask, very casually, â€œHow about I take you home and eat your !^$$y?â€.
Now I like movies with man-eating sharks. There havenâ€™t been very many good ones, but Iâ€™ll take what I can get, hence my 8 viewings, and counting, of Deep Blue Sea. This, though, tests the patience even of dedicated creature movie fanatics.
The shark moments itself are only a handful, and every time, I kid you not, every time the same stock footage of a shark leaping upwards is used, with hilarious results. This movie is choc-a-bloc full of extremely bad acting, terrible action and the worst effects you have seen since the 1970s.
I havenâ€™t seen Shark Attack 1 or 2, though I assume there are complex character problems and existential debates raging on in those movies that are somehow being offered closure here. Because I see no other reason for the zero coherence in what is happening on screen.
Of course, it goes without saying that something this awful will have no technical ground to tread at all. Despite being the sort of film that lends itself to technical wizardry, this film (okay, not really a film) has the worst crimes in movie history on screen. Drug-induced editing, cutting artifacts, jumps between different film stock, and the absolute worst cacophony to pass for background music.
This is the sort of thing that would play on a cheap movie channel at 3 in the morning. You donâ€™t put money down to go watch it â€" which is what is happening with the theater I watched it in. There were a total of 17 people watching it in the entire hall, most I fear being the sort who did their business with the nudity and then fled before the awful sharks came.
I suppose they should count their blessings. As should you, because in the off-chance that you would want to watch this, you have a harrowed reviewerâ€™s word to save you.