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The Ring Review

Balaji Ramachandran / fullhyd.com
EDITOR RATING
1.0
Performances
Script
Music/Soundtrack
Visuals
NA
NA
NA
NA
Suggestions
Can watch again
NA
Good for kids
NA
Good for dates
NA
Wait to rent it
NA
The Ring is another hot load force-served straight from Hollywood's you-know-where. Don't be fooled: the original was a crappy B-grade movie that the producers hope we'll have forgotten so they can deem it a masterpiece. The remake is even crappier, and appears written on toilet paper by a chimpanzee with diarrhea - well, I wish it had been, at least that wouldn't be so clichéd.

The director doesn't waste much time in getting to the 'goods'. The Ring starts out with a shot of two hicks on their couch, hypnotized by the images on their magic picture box and yapping about a videotape that kills people within seven days of seeing it. Within minutes the better looking hick gets to kick the bucket and the uglier hick has an aneurysm, while various analog keyboards play filter sweeps in the background.


Now the deceased happens to be the niece of Rachel (Naomi Watts, pronounced as "pretentious bitch"), an investigative reporter who works for the number three newspaper in a two paper town and is unaware she has no potential acting talent whatsoever.

Naturally, Rachel decides to use her investigative skills to figure out what's going on and ends up getting her son, Aidan (David Dor'k'man - a wannabe Haley Joel Osment), and his father, Noah (Martin Henderson), wrapped up in the weirdness. What follows is a tedious mystery for 90 bloodless minutes where the characters are scared shitless and horrified at stuff that just isn't scary.

The story just dicks around, piling up improbabilities, terrible decisions by characters and laughably bad secondary actors spouting horribly awkward dialog. What's really painful is that we know Rachel's not dying for week, but we have to watch all seven days, where these two fine specimens of molded lard having the combined intelligence of aluminum alloy, snoop around and try to solve the mystery. Finally they solve the incredibly long, boring, fuzzy plot and nobody dies in the end. No, wait! Someone does die! But it gets old fast.


There are a few things that really bug you - for instance, how come Rachel's son is so freakily in-tuned with the supernatural? Maybe I missed it somewhere, but the kid was just damn weird. Another question that pops up is why Aidan does not look like his father or mother. No wonder Daddy left her. And for heaven's sake, how does watching a videotape kill people?

The locales and sets are inexplicable, the plot is inscrutable, and the special effects are dull and repetitive. The background score sounds like a broken analog keyboard being repeatedly smashed with rocks. And the music's so awful, the cemeteries are probably full of corpses sticking decomposed fingers into their desiccated ears. Every character is so poorly defined that we're stuck spending two hours with people how we'd wish were dead. The accents are uniformly screwed up - like the actors had passes for the Bappi Lahiri show and wanted to show they got their money's worth.


The Ring spends more time playing Scooby Doo than it does building tension. It's not scary 'coz it isn't meant to be. It's just tired old horror movie clichés told with a modicum of suspense and a remarkably static style. Director Gore Verbinski (cool name for a horror movie director) achieves an almost Ramsay Brothers level of nonsensical crapulence with this steaming log of insanity.

The Ring does get one thing right - TV can kill you. The stuff rots your brain. Two goosebumps on the scare-o-meter. BOO OOGA-BOOGA ...get scared.
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THE RING SNAPSHOT
USER RATING
7.4
29 USERS
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THE RING USER REVIEWS
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USER RATING
7.4
29 USERS
Performances
Script
Music/Soundtrack
Visuals
NA
NA
NA
NA
Can watch again - NA
Good for kids - NA
Good for dates - NA
Wait to rent it - NA
Sarah Stewart on 16th Apr 2003, 5:33pm | Permalink
the ring is the most psycologicaly scary film i have ever seen, its really stuck in my mind, it was brilliantly acted and made.
RATING
10
Natasha Lopez on 14th Apr 2003, 12:18pm | Permalink
i think the movie is great the plot is cool the effects in the movie are increable i think the story is kind of weird 'cause you just see a tape and then you are dead.
RATING
10
Raghu on 21st Mar 2003, 11:57pm | Permalink
By far the stupidest observation anyone has ever made about anything related to moves. Ladies and gentlemen, Balaji Ramachandran for the Ignoble prize in writing.
"Another question that pops up is why Aidan does not look like his


father or mother. No wonder Daddy left her."
RATING
4
Saju Pillai on 20th Mar 2003, 11:15pm | Permalink
Hey, I saw the movie - I am rating it MAX. The movie is good. Your reviewer has no clue what he is talking about. I am never going to take your reviewer seriously.
Let me explain why - The reviewer thinks that writing "funky shit" about movies makes him come out as a "dude" ? It is obvious that the reviewer has no class, no knowledge - making stupid, forceful comments just brings out his immaturity ( hey when did you start asking 16 year olds to do reviews ?)
- I read all the reviews made by other people. Not a single person agreed with the reviewer. Don't you guys see - your reviewer is on a different wavelength
- Your rating process is probably screwed - Do you guys accept the reviewers ratings also ? I hope not - because a screwed up reviewer like this one could bring down the ratings of a good movie. ( btw - i am not a 16 year old - just talking like one ;-) )
RATING
10
The Editor on 20th Mar 2003, 4:45pm | Permalink
Unfortunately, we lost data of all user reviews posted over the last month due to a tech snag. It was NOT because the posts were critical :).
RATING
2
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