Beastmaster 2 Review

There was no doubt that dumb would overcome the obvious. But this one would have done better to stick to its own - the prehistoric.

A sensuous, mysterious witch (we know she is sensuous and mysterious because she keeps saying so) makes an offer to the bad guy Arklon; she can take him to modern day LA where they can steal a neutron detonator, return to their own world, and rule it. Arklon realizes that a couple of nukes would be more effective than styrofoam boulders to crush his enemies, so he agrees. But if you haven't seen the movie yet, and unless you are looking for a night of boredom, don't bother agreeing even to a free show.

What makes 'Beastmaster 2' so unbearably awful is the awkward, cliched, corny dialogue and painful acting by Kari Wuhrer, a girl from LA who, accidentally, drives her car through the portal to the Beastmaster's world. When she isn't attempting to pass off lines like "I'd rather eat breakfast than be breakfast," viewers are subjected to a horribly contrived story line, where flawed logic abounds. Why does Arklon spend so much energy deliberately detaining the Beastmaster, planning to kill him later, than destroying him then and there? And the change of heart of one of the characters is inexplicable to the extreme.

As if that wasn't enough, every scene plays as predictably as if you'd seen the movie once already. To its credit, the film as a whole is not particularly predictable, yet, at the beginning of each scene, you know exactly how it will pan out.

Finally, though, the finale is devoid of suspense, due to inane humor. Perhaps I'm being too harsh on this film; it does have some small merit. The opening scene is good (alas, it's the best), and it's never really boring. Now how many bad movies can make that claim?