Collateral Damage (English) Review

Ol' Muscles from Brussels strikes again, and this time he's pissed as hell. "I-vill-a-be bak," he silently swears in a low murmur heard only to me, as he looks at all the damage wreaked by a Columbian terrorist attack on their embassy in the States. His poor wifey and kid get blown to kingdom come, as they happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time - they're nothing much but 'Collateral Damage'.

Gordon Brewer (Arnie) is a happy firefighter, putting out the flames that arsonists and other freaks of nature so lovingly set fire to. But when the above mishap occurs, all hell (literally) breaks lose. The government doesn't want to pursue the bombing case due to political reasons, but Arnie being Arnie is a firefighter wronged, and so he decides to take up the case in his own hands and heads out to Columbia to sniff out the crooks.

Columbia, as we all know from our rich geographical experience, is a land situated next to Cocaine Ville. A lush land filled with English-speaking hombres who mouth words with a stylish Spanish twang 'Non comprendo Espanol amigos, only englisss' that they hiss all the while deftly packing packs of heroin. Arnie arrives with a dumb German accent and a hat as a cover for his identity, and manages to worm his way into the terrorist's camp.

El Lobo (meaning 'one who has had baked beans for breakfast and who heads out into the fields with a jug of water' in Spanish) is the master crook and Arnie's arch nemesis. But nemesis has a wife (Francesca Neri) too - and one with a lip fresh out of a collagen injection. Arnie befriends the wife and kid, and they help him go where no Arnie has ever gone before. Twist, twist and one gruesome puke-inspiring scene involving an open mouth and a snake stuffed into it later, we are led to the climax of this lax thriller.

Shucks! After some flicks like Terminator and True Lies, Collateral Damage seems like a tale written by a guy on a toilet seat. Spin on the seat, bubba, and spare us the crap. Arnie looks about 100 years old, and never pronounces any word the same way twice.

A couple of scenes, though, absolutely take your lack of intelligence for granted - like a cell phone being used to detonate the bombs. Heck! What fun it would be to get a busy signal, or greater still, have your ol' Math prof pick up the line! 'Alllo! BOOM! POW! CHOP!" Hell, it'll be like sitting on the TV to watch the couch.

Oh, whatever! The flick is as much fun as watching a large moldy sock. We all know that there is never a right time to be in the wrong place, and looks like the only collateral damage in the movie is the audience itself - wrong place, wrong time!