Sometimes, things are so hopeless, you feel like giving up. Instead of that, there are others who take an easier way of ignoring them. Here's the review of this piece of stultyfying rubbish, ignoring it.
As the titles rolled on with the song 'Waiting For Tonight' by Jlo, the priest (vermilion, sacred-thread and all) sitting next to me looked really upset. 'Upset that they're playing an English song in a Telugu movie,' I asked. 'No, my son,' he replied. 'Upset they're not showing miss Jlo in her bathing suit!'
'But fantasizing about half-naked women isn't really a religious thing, is it?' I questioned. 'There are 2 things I can say in my defense here, son,' he said. '1. It is wrong to fantasize about half-naked women. That's why I've come here to see some half-naked women. 2. It's not wrong doing that. Why do you think God made half-naked women in the first place? They're god's half-naked women!'
That's when I shut my trap shut, sank into my seat and saw that there were these strange creatures doing strange things on the screen. I refused to even try to believe this was a part of a feature film - the same medium, which till today, was supposed to have human beings. That's when they stopped the animal documentary and started the film. 10 minutes and I was where I started. There were some strange creatures on the screen...
The priest leaned over and said, 'Though I got paid by the hero, it is difficult for me to understand, just who among those clods on the screen is the hero?' 'That one there, in the silver shirt, good looks, great height and cool expression,' I pointed out. To that the priest looked solemn and said, 'Let us pray!'
As I opened my eyes from the prayer, I noticed that the priest had fled, and was now replaced by this salesman (tie, briefcase and all). 'Do you know I got a seat with the ticket for free? Free! Free!' he yelled, excitedly. By that time the hero and the heroine had already sang a few songs.
Enter the vamp, the heroine's mom. 'She's evil,' explained the salesman. 'But she's a very peaceful woman. Will calm you down in your own home. Noiseless and odorless. Very cheap!'
Cheap. That I noticed. Everywhere. 'And the heroine, do you know about her?' inquired the salesman. 'She loves make-up. She actually applies lipstick on her forehead to makeup her mind! And, she's easily replaceable by any other product in the market. Like an hour-glass or something.'
'And the hero...' 'I'll tell you about him,' I snapped. 'He's also completely replaceable. Like by the dark night or something.' But by then, even the salesmen had fled. That's when I realized that the hero was actually a greeting-card merchant in the movie, and the way he sold them, this poor guy couldn't bear.
The only guy who has to bear with everything was I. This is the only movie I know where both the hero and the heroine had 12 different expressions for blinking. A boy-meets-girl-parents-disagree-they-rebel-and-parents-agree-in-the-end movie was never made this professionally. If you sent it to the bad-movies club, they'd say sorry, no professionals here.
With the kind of movie this is, I can imagine how the making was like:
Director: C'mon now, hero. In this scene, you're smashed badly by the thugs. Squeal like a pig in agony.
Hero: Moo! Moo!
Director: Damn it! What is wrong with you? Heroine, show him how it's done!
Director: No! No! Not that! Don't take your clothes off! I meant squealing like a pig in agony!
Heroine: Meow! Meow!
Director: Looks like I have to do everything. Here, bow! Bow!
And bow bow, meow meow, moo moo it is!