Anaconda 2 Review

This one is for the adolescent males. But then, again, men never really get past that, so, yeah, this one is for all post-pubescent males. And, boy, you will sure see a lotta them in the theater, completely enamored by the CGI anacondas that look about ready to say, 'This Page Cannot Be Displayed', every time they pause in a close-up shot, right before they gobble someone up.

This B-grade sequel of sorts could just as well have been called Anaconda 2, instead it gets called Anacondas. Ah! The infamous scrabble 's' tactic employed to collect cheap, easy points by adding an 's' to the other guy's word. And movie.

Anacondas sees a bunch of six, pile on to a dingy dinghy captained by the very dishy Johnny Messner playing Bill Johnson. The group includes super-ambitious Jack (Matthew Marsden), super-supposed-to-be-hot Sam (KaDee Strickland) and super-she-dog Gail (Salli Richardson-Whitfield), and is on an expedition to collect samples of the Blood Orchid, a flower that is an elixir of youth and longevity.

The Blood Orchid is also the reason why the anacondas get so big, but it isn't the reason why they are in Borneo. The reason they are so far away from South America is quite simply this - you cannot have a monster movie without a monster. And the monster should be located in the same geographical unit as the crew. Who would have guessed?

Anyway, as the expedition wears on, every fathomable tragedy strikes the group. First, one of them nearly gets eaten by a croc, then their boat takes a nice little dive down a waterfall, then they have a few badass anacondas for stalkers, then one of them gets eaten, another turns traitor, and basically… something and all keeps happening to just keep the story going.

And somehow, it works. The slipshod shtick works. It manages to involve the audience. Every time the giant reptile slithers around, waiting to pounce on any of the unsuspecting junta, you wanna scream, 'Watch out! There's a Gigantosaurus Anacondakus on your ass!'

The movie has a few 'Spooked Ya' moments. But story? What story? And really, giant man-eating anacondas? What giant man-eating anacondas?