Julie 2 (Telugu) Review

One the many trailers that preceded Julie 2 was that of Padmavathi. While that film may not find its way to the cinemas next weekend, it has some epic background music and a very cheesy Shahid Kapoor speech where he waxes poetic about what constitutes a great Rajput. It's funny because you can switch the word "Rajput" with the name of any other community and it would have the same effect. There is nothing unique to it. Little did I know that this innocuous trailer I've watched 20 times this month alone would be so pivotal for this review.

All I actually wanted to do was to just copy-paste our review for Aksar 2 in this space and walk away with a job well done. This movie has all the same ingredients. Skimpily clad lady - check. Multiple men interested in her bodacious body and not her non-existent talents - check. Random murder mystery because we don't want to appear as soft porn - check. Respected actor shilling for money/work - check.

Yes, I was experiencing déjà vu, and not of something good. Now I look to the skies, ball my fist and say "damn you" with an exasperated expression. But before we get to why I reference that trailer and why this movie is oh so awful, all 1% of you who think this film has a coherent plot will demand a description of it.

I have three versions of this plot for the 1%:A one-line description would be - take Dirty Picture and eliminate all likability, talent, acting, direction, music and everything else that made it a good movie. An honest description would be - a movie trying to coax money out of horny men and women with the promise of copious amounts of pseudo-nudity. And finally the detailed description - an innocent girl learns all the skills required to succeed as an actress, but the industry doesn't need her talent. All it needs is her body. A "seal-break" (my God, this film is vulgar) later, she shoots to the pinnacle of her industry but is left without someone to love. During her search for companionship, she finds herself embroiled in weird sub-plots that include a gangster and a politician, and this is the part of the movie that tries so hard to tell you that this is not porn.

Listen up Julie 2 - I'll adapt Shahid Kapoor's speech about what makes a good Rajput, to list out all the things that make you an ugly film-going experience.

1. If your softcore porno is presented by Sanskari-Superman Pahlaj Nihalani, you're a bad movie

2. If your movie about female empowerment begins with a vulgarly shot item song, you're a bad movie

3. If your director credits himself four times, including having his name in the title itself, you're a bad movie

4. When you think using the words condom and prostitute makes you edgy and daring, you're a bad movie

5. When you think you can trick your audiences into thinking your main character dies 20 minutes into the movie, you're a bad movie

6. When you think police officers greet each other with Jai Hind and nothing else, you're a bad movie

7. When you show Indian news playing on an Istanbul news channel, you're a bad movie

8. When your "imposing" police officer (who doesn't know how to hold a phone) says he has a "dhai foot ka haath" bastardizing a popular line, you're a bad movie

9. When you name a driver Ambani to push your agenda, you're a bad movie

10. When you waste Pankaj Tripathi's time and skill on this smut, you're a bad movie

11. When you have a scene that has Julie (Raai Laxmi) do an item song after she says she's heartbroken, you're a bad movie

12. When your camerawork is so bad that even your shots of your actresses' breasts cannot titillate the men, you're a bad movie

13. When you lead actress can't give a half decent performance to save her life, you're a bad movie

14. When you ruin what could have been a bad yet watchable murder mystery by inserting dialogues insinuating genital mutilation, you're a bad movie

15. When your character screams "Get going you dirty man" at the camera as an implied insult to the audience who paid their good money to watch your piece of dog crap movie, you're a horrible ****ing movie

And finally, **** you, you've made a god-awful movie that only Mr Nihlani thinks is relevant and/or sensual. God, I hate this movie.