The alien robots are tardy. They evidently came to earth when mankind was still a bunch of cave dwellers in the stone age (apparently the first wheel was a transformer, too), and the evil ones just hung around for a clue while the good ones just sort of came and went. It's baffling. Well, no one can say you wanted to see an intelligent film when you walked into a film based on the conceit of alien robots kicking the living crap out of each other. At the same token, I never envisaged a film whose sole mandate was to be stupid glorious fun would be this utterly boring.
It is astonishing. The sheer amount of wasted time and 'plot' the film asks you to endure during the entire two hours and thirty minutes of run time is mind-boggling. There are entire sequences and characters that are the very definition of filler. Extreme slow motion of Megan Fox's character Bronze Breasts (and her father makes an appearance, too). Sam Witwicky's (Shia LaBeouf) college shenanigans and university time. Sam's mother being attacked by household appliances and then eating hash brownies and behaving like a crazy person. Sam's college roommate who hangs with him, and DOES NOTHING. For the entirety of the film.
John Turturro minces meat and has a fight with his mother, then accompanies the kids to Egypt where he scales a pyramid. Nothing in this changes what happens in the film. He calls in a gun strike at a Decepticon (evil robots, don't you know) and yet there are two more that finally Optimus Prime must finish off. Sorry, I went and complained about the logic again, didn't I?
And that's just the humans. The robots don't fare too well, either. They pontificate and talk for a long time about some mythology, while it all boils down to this: The location of a device that can be used for good and evil is in Sam's head, and the Decepticons want it. That's it, no exaggeration. Why then are we subjected to crying robots and robots that can take human form (small logic aside, last one I promise: If they can take human form, wouldn't that be easier camouflage than pretending to be ice cream trucks and mixer-grinders?) and robots that hump Megan Fox's leg (she likes it), and a robot that has a beard? A robot. Who is now old and holds a cane and has a beard. Try wrapping your head around that.
At least the robot fights are fun to watch, you say. Um, no. No, they are not. Cheap way of seeing Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen? Take 1,000 steel forks and knives and spoons, and then toss the cutlery in the air. If you want better production values, do it in a desert, with Megan Fox's wallpaper as the backdrop. There is a hand-to-hand between Bumblebee and a couple of steel and bulb mishmash robots that is quite entertaining, but most of the time you can't tell who is beating who, and what body part analogues are being used.
So it's stupid and long and boring, and hardly ever entertaining. Ah, but that is the least of its sins. This film is offensive. There are racial and social stereotypes propagated like nobody's business. Bronze Breasts likes Sam because he is a nerd, who owns a webcam. Nerds have webcams, see? Hot girls have never heard of them. Twin robots who speak in faux street language have huge lips, monkey-like ears, can't read, and one of them has a gold tooth. No prizes for guessing what race they are portraying.
What I wanted was plenty of robot mayhem and destruction with a little human drama and a good time at the movies. What Michael Bay instead made was a racially insensitive, stupid, boring film with lots of explanations about nothing and robots that have no clue what they are doing. Seriously. There is a point in the film where the humans are actually winning against the evil robots. Then Bay distracts us with Megan Fox running in slow motion, and bam! They are losing again.
Nothing works in this film - the comedy does not work, the plot is stupid, the characters have nothing in them that would make you care for them, the action is unintelligible and pointless, the actors are utterly useless, and the pacing of the film is all over the place. Bay can compose some shots, but that I think is about it. Don't go, don't take your kids or your girl/boy-friends, and don't rent it. Trust me, I can still hear the bussing after the sensory overload, and I have not one good thing to hold on to.
Also read: The Transformers