Tapana Review

A few fleeting glances into the preliminary hubbub of Tapana, and I knew they had to be kidding. Realizing that the person you thought as having an exceptionally annoying presence on the screen is the hero, is not a good feeling. They had to be kidding me. Then someone said that the hero was Jayaprada's nephew. This is Jayaprada's nephew? I'd rather she played the hero instead of him.

That's when it dawned upon me. This is a movie meant for 7-year-olds. That gave me a whole new perspective of watching the film, and an easier way of writing the review without using difficult words! So, here's the story, for all those intellectuals that are seven years old.

Hero was a good boy. He was good in many things, including in many bad things, like drinking and smoking. This was wrong for a very important moral reason. He always got caught while doing them! But his behavior was probably because of his mother also. She made him wear those weird clothes, and fed him so much. He drank to gulp down the frustration whenever he looked into the mirror, and he smoked to burn fat.

Then one day he saw a beautiful girl. But before that he saw a very strange creature. His name was Prabhu Deva. It's hard to tell if Prabhu Deva is good or awful. He's awfully good. He's always twisting and turning. Maybe he's a descendent of the shape-changing amoeba.

The hero thought the girl was very nice. He thought her navel was nice, her ribs were nice, her thighs were nice and... er, little children are not supposed to say those words it seems. He actually sings a song saying that he's in love with her because of all those.

But the girl is very innocent. She looked like someone who doesn't know the difference between good and bad. She looked like she doesn't know the difference between many things. Like she would probably sit on the TV and watch the couch everyday. She is innocent. So she says she needs time to tell the hero if she loves him.

Meanwhile, the hero is really sad. He thinks she's going to reject him. He's all the more sad for being in the company of such intelligent looking friends. More about them later in the movie called "The End Of Human Civilization, As Once We Knew It". But then the heroine makes her decision - yes! She thought two half-wits can make for a complete half-wit. She was innocent. And completely hopeless at math. Just like at everything else.

But she was better than the hero. That's because the hero was mean. He left her when he found out that she soon wouldn't be able walk properly. No, not because of wearing those ridiculously high heels, but because of some disease that has its name starting in America and ending here. That is very long.

Then comes that strange creature again, Prabhu Deva. He exhibits his skill with good effect in a song. Then he tells that the hero that he is bad. That we already know. Then he tells that he married a girl even after she got disfigured.

Hero learns a lesson. Never go to a guy who can bend his body in all directions. Because you will never know when he'll make sense, like he just did. The hero is not selfish anymore. He tears off that part of the lyrics that say that he loved the heroine because of her thighs. And they all live happily ever after.

The movie is bad in everything that a movie is supposed to be bad at. So there is no point mentioning the gory details.