12 dead bodies. 13 pairs of legs, attached to 13 women, mostly Playboy models,
who shed their clothing at the slightest excuse. Exploding sailboats with fireballs
attached. A topless dance rehearsal. A secret agent in what has got to be the
tiniest mini-skirt in the history of the universe. Yes, director Drew Sidaris
has entered the big league with The Dallas Connection, a soft-core porn flick
that has all the above and features 1993 Penthouse Pet of the Year Julie Strain,
the only villain in film history who has to have sex with anybody she kills.
The Dallas Connection is a great cheesy film full of half-naked vixens. Fans
of the campy genre will thoroughly enjoy it. The plot is another hodgepodge
of B-movie clichés featuring buxom secret agents infiltrating diabolical organizations
bent on world domination. Here, computer chips and space technology play into
the story (with a ridiculous use of a meteor shower in the explanation!). If
you've seen this kind of film before, you're going to get exactly what you expect
to get. Lots of very nice, busty girls take their clothes off for no reason
other than that it makes guys happy. There are some pretty buff guys (wasn't
paying as much attention to them so I don't have the count) for the girls, and
some bad acting for everyone. And I mean VERY bad.
The film also contains Wendy Hamilton, as the ruthless big-breasted federal
agent who secretly pours Diet Coke into a Jet Ski gas tank; Sam Phillips, as
the blonde hostage who keeps getting knocked out, for dancing on a dining table
in lingerie and, in her big emotional scene, saying "I'd rather DIE!"; Julie
K Smith, as the undercover agent who demonstrates her talent in the obligatory
Sidaris hot-tub scene; and Bruce Penhall, as the stock-car-racing federal agent
who blows up a Chinese Kung-Fu assassin, then says "You should have read your
fortune cookie." Oh, and of course, Cassidy Phillips, who usually has only one
word of dialogue if he's in a scene, "Cool." Apparently he was too busy handling
his duties as Assistant Director to learn anything more complex.
Overall, this is an obvious flick - no shocks, no surprises and you can see
the twists coming a mile away. To its credit, Dallas Connection does not attempt
to be something it is not. It makes no pretense of the fact that it was made
to titillate, and if the success of a film is measured by how far it has achieved
its objective, then this one would have done pretty well.
Odd little bits in the film were funny though; people getting the use of the
words anagram and acronym mixed up and foliage being pronounced "foilage". Thank
goodness there were no libraries and nuclear reactions, and nothing happened
in February (not good temperatures to take your clothes off on a whim).
If you want something Pacino, De Niro or James Woods would appear in, steer
well clear of this. On the other hand, if you want to see a movie that can go
perilously close to being dubbed a soft porn flick but manages to stop about
a millimeter away, this is absolutely for you. The guys will have no trouble
staying awake through this one.