When you guys first asked me if I would like to review for your esteemed site, I felt honoured. I jumped at the opportunity and threw in all enthusiasm I had into this exciting venture. Among the best things that ever happened to me, I thought. But I hadn't the faintest inkling that on one godforsaken day I'd have to watch Kya Kool Hain Hum 3. That changes everything, you know.
In one fell swoop, Kya Kool Hain Hum 3 made me regret every single decision I had made in my life - right down to the colour of undergarments I wore during school. You never know which decision landed me in this situation today. So I felt it best to question every single thing I'd ever done and blanket regret all of it. Wow - I didn't know I believed this much in Karma until it unleashed its full wrath on me in the form of this travesty on the name of cinema.
What is the matter, you ask? Everything, I must say.
Kya Kool Hain Hum 3 is a movie where Aftab Shivdasani plays a playboy and Tushhar Kapoor plays ...er ...Tusshar Kapoor. Kapoor's granny dies because she finds Shivdasani masturbating on her bed. They then go to Thailand to act in their friend's porn movies which are called Lick, Ek Milan, Kholay, and ...ahem ...Dirty Picture. To impress Kapoor's girlfriend's (Mandana Karimi) very sanskari dad, they get the porn artistes to act as their sanskari family.
Now how bad can that be? As bad as the stench in the toilets of the Imliban bus stand. As bad as Sant Sri Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singhji Insaan's chances of winning an Academy Award. As bad as the fate of the fools who kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter.
But that's what sex-comedies are made of! Inane plots with silly contrivances and lots of innuendo. Yup. And that's not what I'm complaining about. Allow me to explain. Sex and comedy are among the most amazing things that a human can experience in this short miserable stay on earth called life. A cheesy corny comic romp with loads of explicit and risque humour is very much up anybody's alley. But the problem here is that this purported sex-comedy called Kya Kool Hain Hum 3 has got neither sex nor comedy.
It is the weirdest form of a sex film you can have. The film is so uncomfortable about sex it could very well have been a conservatively brought up pubescent teen discovering naked women on the internet. The film hasn't got the balls to discuss sex on screen or feel all right about it. The only way it keeps up the pretense of being a sex film is by throwing so much cleavage on screen it could make a guy get sick of cleavage. You'd think such a feat is impossible but hey, what do you know? I'm the miserable sod who watched this abomination and I swear I was sick of bosoms by the end. Yeah, I know I ought to worry about my masculinity, but I was too busy worrying for my sanity.
The film's idea of comedy is to come up with lines like "Yeh tere jhoot moot honewali doosri sauteli maa hain" (She's your pretend prospective second stepmother). A woman gasping orgasmically is said to have asthma and yet another woman groping herself uncontrollably is supposed to be suffering an itch. And when finally Tusshar Kapoor lands in a red saree like Vidya Balan in Dirty Picture
, I gave up.
I have in my time watched terrible movies. Including a veritable classic starring Poonam Pandey
. But you know why they were still forgivable? Because they were legitimate efforts which turned out to be colossal failures. Those wretched souls who made those movies thought they were on to something decent and put in honest efforts (even if their success might be likened to that of a penguin trying to find a mate in middle of the Kalahari).
The makers of Kya Kool Hain Hum 3, however, finished the movie before conceiving it. Attempts this lazy may only be found at contests where the first prize is the certain contraction of Syphillis. They don't make the slightest effort to act, or to write, or to direct. The emphasis is almost fully on exposing their women, and then some more. And like I said, I was worrying for my mental health by the end of this directionless, meaningless, senseless rot blanketed by hectares of smooth skin.
You are probably aware of Suthi Veerabhadra Rao's going mad in the Telugu classic Aha Naa Pellanta. I empathised with him today. By the time the movie ended, I was summoning my chauffeur to bring my stallion so I may mount it and fly to Mars for breakfast at 8 pm with Darth Vader.
My good sirs, you have been great people to work with. But this profession has occupational hazards that I have not the mental strength to cope with. Should a Kya Kool Hain Hum 4 release and you ask me to review it, I'll turn in my papers and quit watching movies altogether.
: Kya Kool Hain Hum
, Kya Kool Hain Hum 2